Suicide Hurts Everyone!!

 I know Suicide Awareness Month was September but I have been thinking a lot about it this weekend. I have been hurt by suicide more than once in my life.

When I was 16 an ex boyfriend of mine took an overdose and inevitably passed away. I was doing my GCSE's at the time and even though we were no longer together it still really hit me hard. I couldnt concentrate on anything and couldnt eat properly. I went to the church for the funeral and couldnt even bring myself to go in. I remember like yesterday standing outside when his coffin was brought out to be buried and nearly collapsing from the weight of my grief.

I didnt know he had anything wrong in his life. He never talked about it. He never let anyone get close enough to see what was underneath his centre of attention personality. He just always came across as the life and soul of any party. He may not have been the most honest, considering he had a girlfriend when we first met, but there was nothing to ever suggest he was suicidal.

He was the first person I ever lost in my life and it changed me forever. I may have been young and didnt really know what love was but losing him taught me about heartache. A little part of me broke forever that day.

My next loss to suicide was even bigger and not a boyfriend. One of my closest friends. He was a huge part of my life. He was my best friends boyfriend but him and I had a special bond. He treated me like a sister. We fought like siblings and loved eachother like siblings. He went through so much and we knew he was suffering and had tried so hard to be there for him. He had attempted to end things before and part of me always knew it was going to happen, but nothing prepared me for the phone call to tell me he was gone. I remember seeing him in his coffin and seeing a look of peace on his face.

I myself have suffered with Mental health problems and a few years ago my illness caused me to feel so dark and low that there were many days I sat looking at my pain killers thinking that all of my suffering would go away if I just took them. I couldnt cope with my life and what I had become. I was being dressed by my husband. Needing help to just get to the bathroom. I felt like my life was worth nothing, like I had nothing to live for. I spent my days staring at the same four walls and being in pain and exhausted and it was driving me to distraction.

The biggest thing that stopped me was the part of me that was broken from the loss of people who had commited suicide. I remembered the trauma and how part of me was never the same and I just knew that no matter how hard it was for me to live I knew that ending my suffering would start a lifetime of suffering from those who love me. My husband who looks after me, how could I hurt him that way. How could I put him through the trauma of having to cope with losing the love of his life. My parents how could I hurt them like that. Losing a child is a horrible thing to go through for anyone. My siblings and my nieces and nephews. How could I do that to them. I had seen that hurt before for other families. It was what stopped me day after day. I knew I had to fight for those who loved me, if not for myself.

I beg anyone who has these feelings to seek help. Talk to someone. You may feel like you are alone but you are never alone. There are always people out there who can help you and want to help you.

Samaritans:
https://www.samaritans.org/

• 116 123 (UK)
• 116 123 (ROI) 

Crisis Clinic

https://crisisclinic.org/about/contact-us/

Thank you guys for reading my blog.


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 Marie Curie Cancer Care: In Memory of Desmond Milligan my amazing Father in Law who lost his battle to Pancreatic Cancer. Help me support this great cause in his memory. xxxx

Just when you think life is tough enough, boom, it gets harder!!!

 Hello my lovelies,

I am lying on the sofa, on a Sunday afternoon. I am feeling pretty deflated and fed up. I have been so emotional lately because of the latest addition to my health issues. I am currently waiting on an urgent referral to Cardiology at the local hospital because my heart is beating too fast. Doing simple tasks has my heart beating so fast I get out of breath. Walking takes my heart beat up to over 120 bpm. I have to walk so slow. I am used to walking for miles with the dog, not getting around the block takes it out of me. Climbing the stairs wrecks me.

The hardest thing to cope with for me is that it happens when I am basically just sitting. I will be in work and start getting out of breath and realise my bpm is over 120. Walking the stairs in work causes me to get so out of breath my vision gets blurry and the legs go weak.

I am really struggling to cope with this. I was ironing a top and a pair of trousers earlier and had to lie down because it really took it out of me. This has been going on for many months now, but I can feel it getting worse. I can keep track of what my heart rate does throughout the day with my Fitbit. It shocks me when I am chatting to someone and realise my heart is beating really fast and look down to find my watch is saying I am doing Cardio exercise.

What is getting me the most, life was hard enough before this. I can't do the things I want to do. I can hardly even get the energy to get myself in to filming mode. I have so much I want to do. I have reviews and first impressions and more for my youtube, but once I am done with work, I am done. So many nights I end up in bed. Friday past I finished at 4 and got home chatted with my hubby and went to bed around 5, that was me. I managed to get up at some stage and heat up some soup but I slept so much. The fact my heart is beating so fast is tiring my body out so quick. If you think of it like this it is saying I am doing 11 hours of fat burning exercise everyday. So you can imahine how exhausted I am because my body is feeling like I am running a marathon everyday.

I am 33, I am too young to be getting out of breath just walking to the kitchen for a drink. I feel like everytime I get my life on the up and start getting my head around the fact I am a different person to what I thought I would be something else comes and knocks my feet from under me. I was doing so well, I knew my limits and in the last year its all just fallen apart again. I just want to get in to bed and not get out again. I am starting to just feel done, like I cannot take any more. I am scared as to what I am going to be told is wrong with me. Even though I am trying to not worry about it, it isn't that easy. You try not to think about it and then randomly your heart will be beating really fast and it is only natural it will make you emotional and fed up and worried. Which isnt going to make the heart beat any slower.

So anyway, that is my latest fun. I am at the doctors on tuesday so hopefully we will get somewhere with all of this and also that my referral will come through soon.

I hope you have had a good weekend and have a great start to the week.

Thank you guys for reading my blog. Don't forget to click that follow button and also check out my other Social Media.
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Marie Curie Cancer Care: In Memory of Desmond Milligan my amazing Father in Law who lost his battle to Pancreatic Cancer. Help me support this great cause in his memory. xxxx

My life in a Nutshell

Good afternoon my lovely readers,

I hope this cool Sunday finds you well and having a great weekend. I have been wanting to get back in to blogging for a long time. I want to be able to film for youtube, but I just don't have the energy for it. I thought today would be a good time to start giving you an insight in to what is going on with me.

As some of you reading already know me I don't need to give you the run down of what conditions I have, but for those of you who don't know me here goes....

At 18 I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid

I had an injury in work as a care worker at 18 and started my real pain journey

At 22 my body gave out and Icollapsed to the floor while doing dishes, I couldnt sit up without a pounding feeling in my head. I ended up in hospital with an Mri and Lumbar Puncture and told they had found blood in my spinal fluid. I was told my body had basically Mimicked a stroke due to being excessively stressed. I was told to rest and try not to get stressed.

As years went on the pain flared and eased and flared and eased.

At 25 I went through constant periods of sickness, was told I had swine flu and had to wear a mask, then few days later told I had Glandular Fever. I was given Antibiotics and sent home. I rested for a few weeks and went back to work, I stupidly changed shifts with someone and it meant that I would be working 9 days straight, I felt my self getting worse and worse over the days, my head was constantly pounding. My final evening in work, it was nearly finishing time, I had gone to the bathroom, I remember sitting on the toilet think please God just get me home if you get me home, whatever happens happens. I can remember standing up at the sink and washing my hands, the next thing I was on the floor covered in my own sick, it was over the mirror in the sinks and over the floor. My clothes were saturated. It was very scary. But instead of going to the hospital, I got my dad to pick me up and take me home. I went to bed for a few two days and made it to the doctors on Monday, had blood tests taken and the following morning had a call from my doctor to say my blood count was 8.1 and because my blood count was so low when I was sitting up the blood wasnt flowing properly around my brain and so I passed out. I was off work for months before we found out the reason my blood dropped I had two massive duodenal ulcers, I knew I had pain but never really thought much about it, but things got worse I then went from having two to having 7 new ones by my next appointment.

I continued working through all of the pain and sickness that would constantly come. I was always exhausted and kept getting viral infections I would be off for 4-5 weeks recovering. By the time I was 28 I got so bad with the pain and exhaustion I was unable to work and couldnt get out of bed. My husband had to help me get to the bathroom, to wash and dress for doctors appointments. I was finally starting to get somewhere with help, I was sent to a Rheumatologist and they diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I really didnt know much about either of these. My life had already changed so dramatically and it was only going to change more.

I have adjusted and learned to live with this new me. It has not been easy, but I will talk about that in another post. I think that is probably enough for now, what more can I say, life can suck sometimes. Please feel free to share or comment below if you are a fellow sufferer. xxx

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Marie Curie Cancer Care: In Memory of Desmond Milligan my amazing Father in Law who lost his battle to Pancreatic Cancer. Help me support this great cause in his memory. xxxx

First Impressions: Everything5Pounds Clothing Haul

 Hello my lovelies, Everything5pounds.com

I finally got around to ordering some goodies from everything5pounds.com. They are a web based shop. They sell mostly clothing and shoes but also have accessories and homewares.

I chose 2 tops, a dress and a pair of ridiculously high heels that I will never be able to walk in but hey they looked pretty.  

 I like the option to login with your Social Media Accounts. Saves from having to remember another login. 

I found the website easy enough to navigate, they had different sections for categories and even had a plus size section. You can click to choose size, colours and type of product you want to search for which i found helpful. It meant you werent looking at items that didnt come in your size. 

Ordering was easy enough and I liked that you can pay with Paypal. I much prefer to order things when I can pay using my paypal account. I purchased in the early hours of 30 August and my order was dispatched the following day and arrived on Monday. May not have been the quickest delivery but I cannot complain as I paid for 2nd class delivery and it arrived in under a week.  

I clicked on the plus size section and spent a lot of time choosing the items, I wanted to buy some clothes that would work for Autumn time. So I was very excited to see what all the items looked like that I had purchased. 

When the package arrived I nearly tore right in to it. I was pleased to see that each item was in each their own packaging inside. 

So my first item was a dress. The material felt decent, for only being £5 it felt better quality than I expected. I chose a size 18 but sadly it was like a tent on me. I am quite big chested so generally with dresses and tops I need to go bigger. I was gutted that the dress was so large. Length wise it was lovely. I really liked the pattern. I plan to exchange this for a smaller size as I think with black tights and a pair of ankle boots this will be a gorgeous outfit.

The next item I opened was a top, it was a denim effect print with a lace back. I was really excited for this one as it looked so pretty on the website. I wasnt so fussed on it when i opened it. The denim print wasnt good quality, there was patches that were white as the detail hadnt been printed on to it. After trying it on I realised the size I had chosen was an 18-20 so it was absolutely massive on me. I dont know what I was thinking there I thought 16-18 or 18 was the sizes I had chosen.

The next top I opened was one I wouldnt normally have chosen for myself but I decided why not just go for it. This top had open sleeves. I was pleasantly surprised. The pattern and style was lovely. This was sized 16-18 and was a really good fit. Thankfully because so far this was my favourite item. It really changed my mind as to what I thought of the open shoulder style. I saw a dress similar, think I might purchase it now that I know I like the style. 

 

I also purchased a pair of Jeans which had some embellishments on them. To be honest when I saw the front of them I was not so keen anymore. It was a wee bit much. So I wasn't too annoyed when the 14-16 was too big on me. It was surprising that the size was too big as most of my clothes are this size. I found the quality very good, stitching was all perfect. I couldnt fault them at all, except size wise. 

 

My final item was one I was excited to see the quality of. It was a pair of platform stilletos. They had three colours to choose from, I chose Khaki as it is a colour I don't really have in my shoe collection. So on opening the box my first impression was shock as they shoes came in their own wee dust bags and also had spare studs for the heels. I was really pleased to see this. Considering the shoes were actually £2.50 not £5, I was shocked at how good they looked. However on closer inspection the sole on the right shoe was coming away from the heel and didnt actually cover right down the heel. I wasnt too bothered about it coming away as it would be easy to glue it but the difference in each shoe was quite noticable. When I tried them on I was gutted because they were so tight I couldn't keep them on. They were more like a size 4 or 4 1/2 than a 5. I have let other people who have slightly smaller feet than mine try them and they agreed that they were not a true size 5. So my advice to anyone would be to choose one size up from what you think. Unfortunately for me the size 6 is now out of stock, so I can't exchange them, I can change them for black so I might do that. 

My final thoughts on this website is that for the price point the clothing is of decent quality. A few flaws here and there but overall most items felt like good quality. I would definitely purchase more items and think that the website is fantastic for people who are shopping on a budget. I know I cannot always spend a fortune and so a website like this could be really good for me. Especially as they have ocassion wear too. I think my favourite thing about this website will be the shoe section, being able to get shoes for £5 is fantastic, especially if I am buying them for a particular event and potentially not going to get anymore wear out of them. I saw some gorgeous shoes, I have added so many to my wish list already. 

I definitely recommend you check out their website you will be glad you did!!

Thank you guys for reading my blog. I hope you found my review informative and worth reading. I will be doing a full review of the website once I purchase another haul so that I can talk about other items from different categories on their website. If you can think of any other sites like this that I should try, please feel free to share them with me. I am always looking for more bargains for my viewers. 

Thanks again for reading, see you all soon. xxxxxx

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Marie Curie Cancer Care: In Memory of Desmond Milligan my amazing Father in Law who lost his battle to Pancreatic Cancer. Help me support this great cause in his memory. xxxx